Tyleno Hailed As New Cancer, Dandruff and Baldness Cure,
says BOP
(A Parody)
By Derek Gilna
In a
medical breakthrough, the Bureau of Prisons, known for their cutting-edge
medical treatment hailed by medical experts such as federal judges and federal
prosecutors, as well as by numerous publications from prison guard
organizations in Texas Florida Louisiana BOP
announced that based upon its years of treatment experience that Tylenol and
bed rest has shown real progress in treating all forms of cancer, not to
mention dandruff and male pattern baldness.
Senators
Grassley, Cornyn, and other elected officials who have continued to push back
against reforms of mandatory minimum sentences, pointed to the results of the
study as proof that “mandatory minimum sentencing works” and is “a real health benefit
to those who receive such long sentences.”
“The BOP has shown real courage in
sticking to the Tylenol regimen,” they said, even in the face of statistics
from other research bodies that call the BOP
study “junk science.”
Not so, say
the BOP doctors and administrators, who
point to statistics that treating serious illnesses with Tylenol has
dramatically reduced BOP medical costs,
permitting them to continue to incarcerate older and sicker prisoners, for whom
a BOP sentence statistics show generally
means a reduced life span or even death.
Treatment times for cancer patients have
dropped dramatically, since most prisoners pass away prematurely. “The best part,” say BOP
officials, “is that we have the prisoners buy Tylenol off the commissary, if it
is open.” One prisoner noted that, “When I came in I thought that getting BOP
medical treatment was better than living under a bridge. Now that bridge is looking pretty good.”
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